Ventilation Creates A Breeze

Just like butterfly wings. You know the saying. I'm feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, blown-off, exhausted, disappointed. I feel like this frequently. I'm getting sick of it. Why does this bullshit happen so often? Do I really put myself in this situation?

I'm thinking I am my own worst enemy. I was asked on Friday 'who is going to cause the biggest problem for you this weekend?'. I answered 'myself'. Though I don't think it was the answer she was looking for. I explained it would not be a person who would give me difficulties, but the interpretation I make of the events that occur. Now I'm starting to feel like it may not be my interpretation. There's only so much that can be said when the calls begin getting fewer and fewer. Yesterday there were none. Because of that, I want to call more and more often. As I said, it's happening too frequently.

But what if it is my interpretation that caused all this in the first place? By that I mean, what if it's my insecurities that started it? I start noticing small inconsistencies and dwell on them to the point where they are causing my relations to suffer. In turn it causes my fears to become reality.

So which one is it? The chicken or the egg?

Ok Interworld, here I start...

This is a new thing for me. I've never blogged before. I'm creating this as I am supposed to start keeping a journal. Why? Because I'm in a partial hospitalization program. Why? (...as I'm realizing how great of a question this is to be asking myself) The short answer is because I had a mental breakdown. It's hard for me to come to terms with that. I've been going through this for a very long time and I probably should have started this program years ago. The thing is I am working though issues of my childhood and a very painful separation from my significant other that happened about 2 years ago. I guess he's not my significant other anymore, and my heart is still broken (I probably sound like a thousand other people who have blogs...). I can't even say that I'm treading water. Why else would I be in a hospital program?

Right now I'm taking small steps to try to get myself stable. The program is based on getting you back on your feet where you can start to evaluate your problems. I can't even face them right now, I can hardly face myself. So I'm starting to give myself affirmations, eat healthy food, get exercise, and all the other things people do to take care of themselves on a fundamental level.

Today, this is all I can do for now. I'm starting to feel anxious.